I’ve lost count of how many times a financial advisor has looked at me with exhausted, shame-filled eyes and said some version of this:
“I would be so much more successful if only I had a better work ethic… if I were more committed… if I could just stop sabotaging myself.”
Every word of it sounds reasonable. Every word of it is a trap.
My colleague Jason Goldberg has a name for what’s really happening: Deep Shame Thrombosis. It’s the condition of being so buried in self-judgment — so convinced that the obstacle is your character — that you never actually move. The shame becomes its own kind of paralysis. You spend your energy flogging yourself for not working hard enough or being committed enough or being clear-headed enough, instead of…you know…doing the work.
What if, instead of trying to manufacture more discipline or willpower, you chose to bring more playfulness to whatever is sitting in front of you right now? Find a way to make it fun, so that you’re in motion all the time. Being in motion is simply more fulfilling than being ashamed of being frozen.
The “NO” Game
Let me give you a concrete example of what this looks like in practice.
Last week, I challenged one of my advisor clients to stop dreading rejection — and start counting it. Every time a prospect said no to her, she’d mark it down.
“Would you like to sit down and let me take a look at what you’re doing?” — NO. That’s 1.
“Is there someone in your life who might benefit from my help?” — NO. That’s 2.
“Would you like to get started on the paperwork?” — NO. That’s 3.
“Wouldn’t it be better to count the yeses?” she asked.
My answer was no. (Does that count?)
Here’s the truth: YES lives in the land of NO. If you’re collecting 20 NOs a week, you are almost certainly generating more business than the advisor who’s struggling and feeling shame. If you’re only hearing 4 NOs a week, you simply aren’t talking to enough people.
“But how do you handle all that rejection?” she asked.
“There is no rejection,” I told her. “It’s just information.“
Every no tells you something — about timing, about fit, about how to ask better next time. None of it is personal. All of it is useful.
Drop the shame. Play a game.
Another game I often play with advisors is “I can get you any client”. Got a prospect whose been on the fence forever? Have a conversation with me and I’ll tell you how to either land them or get rid of them for good. Contact me and we’ll arrange a time to talk.
And, in the meantime, keep REACHING…
